How do I leave without my heart?

Hey! I’m Ashley, and I’m an Auntie here at JRM. Well, for one more week, that is. When asked if I would write for our newsletter, I didn’t really jump at the chance because my heart doesn’t feel like it’s at a place to write “newslettery” things. But I can tell you a little of what’s been on my mind and in my heart lately.

Over the past two years at JRM, I’ve given my heart away piece by piece. I didn’t view it as that until just recently, as I’ve been trying to figure out this weight of grief in my chest, and blinding sadness that strikes out of nowhere as I prepare to leave this place. As an auntie, you give your heart away with every wagon ride or bike ride up the hill, every band-aid applied to a scraped knee, every snotty nose wiped, and every tear wiped away with snuggles and a “you are brave”. You give it away every time you’re spit at, hit, kicked, or yelled at. You give it away with every breakfast, lunch, and supper you set on the table and help feed to tiny mouths, and with every seat belt clicked as we load up for a beach day, field trip, or doctor visit. You give it away every time a little voice says “watch me!”, or “can you help me?” You give it away in every moment spent problem solving with an angry, sad little child. You give it away every time you zip another suitcase shut, and wave goodbye. You give it away at every bedtime when you kiss their foreheads, tell them goodnight, and whisper one more “I love you”, knowing that this could be the last time. You give it away as you care for another reminder of the utterly wrecked, broken world we live in.

So now as I stand here on the doorstep of leaving this place, I ask God this question, "How do I leave without my heart?" “You still have some,” He whispers in a gentle voice. “Because you have Me. What you’ve given away is My heart. My love. My grace. My kindness. My compassion. It’s all for Me and from Me.” So as I stand here clutching the mere pieces of what feels like a tattered, worn, bleeding heart, I’m reminded of 2 Corinthians 12:9… “And he said to me, My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. So let our hearts be encouraged wherever we are, that His grace is sufficient and His power does indeed rest upon us! -Auntie Ashley